The Kitchen

I write this post with a heavy heart - I have to move on from coveting a Smeg refrigerator. Pinterest had convinced me that Smeg is the only one that exists in the universe:

You can see how they proliferate my design inspirations and at less than 12 cubic feet of fridge space (and maybe 4 cubic feet of freezer space), I was ever-willing to overlook this shortcoming because - surprise - I don't cook. This can hold 11 cubic feet of leftovers and maple water? Count me in.

Alas! Their salespeople RUINED it. I went to KBIS in Orlando with a mission to see a Smeg rep and essentially be lauded for my exquisite taste (also, work). The reps there were a) British, b) condescending, and c) to my mom. This is a real-life your-mama joke but it's not funny and I am ethically unable to purchase a Smeg after the rep decided he needed to explain to my mother how dishwashers work. I will not now or ever purchase a Smeg because my mom is a saint. Any other ideas? I'm back to zero.

So let's talk about the plan:

Brace yourselves for something truly foul.

Why yes, my love, that IS linoleum floor. It has probably been there since this house was erected. There are no surprise wood floors beneath.

May I draw your attention to the exciting two-tone cabinetry? That's not blowing your mind? How about the hand-painted paneling? That means a person did this intentionally, and as if that were not travesty enough, it's exacerbated by the fact that this paneling does not in fact match the paneling in the dining. It is different paneling entirely.

At least the yellow tile backsplash/counter tops match (?) the golden floor and yellow (?) ceiling.

Idyllic, really.

Back to this distressing image:

This door now lives on a wall where there will already be french doors (see dining post), so we're going to take it out and replace it with a window. Outside there's a back porch that's nothing but a couple sticks with a roof. But, hey, it's not a pergola.

First a complete demo of all cabinetry forever. Get it out. Smash it up. Chop chop chop.
I'm going to get rid of the back porch metal whatever, too. I'm also throwing out that door, and framing in a window in its place because - surprise! - the only windows in this room are the ones in the corner with the diagonal sink. Sometimes I feel like I'm living in a fucking Tim Burton movie.

Also LOVE that the smoke detector is centered to the goddamn room. You can center a smoke detector but you can't center the stove, any windows, any fixtures? Cool.

Just, as an aside, why are old people obsessed with blinds? These blinds face your backyard. Presumably the only person who is going to see you washing dishes naked is the person you invited to be in your back yard. Am I just incredibly naive? Are there lurkers frequently peeping on the off-chance they catch you doing housework in the nude?

Joke's on them, I don't do housework. I also like to think of myself as fairly neurotic, so I'm a little confused at my devil-may-care attitude towards blinds. Perhaps my sideburns give me all the insulation I need.

I know you don't come here for my witticisms, but I am self-indulgent and absolutely too old and hairy to care. This image is of a gorgeous kitchen I found at the Builder's Show (KBIS) in Orlando. I'm pretty obsessed with this open shelving, but what's got me is the tile, take a look:

The tile is hand made - I love it with the contrasting cabinet and open shelving with traditional brackets. Even putting it in a grid pattern gives it a little more of a modern touch.

Back to this guy - it's hard to see because they took a photo with a fish eye or something and the kitchen looks much much larger than it is - I'm going to center the sink (farmhouse white apron sink) so I can add some open shelving and a pantry to the far right where the stove lives now:

Here's my open shelving inspiration:

I love these brackets from Anthropologie but I think they might be a little girly and I might go with something black for some contrast:

I'm going to move the range and hood so it's not a focal point - I plan to get a new range (in white or stainless) and hood and possibly put a copper sheet behind it for some extra attraction, like this guy (only copper):

Sadly centering the sink means the dishwasher goes on the focal wall, but hopefully having an island will cure that. I haven't decided whether I want to build and island or buy one from someplace like Native Citizen (bought a GORGEOUS island there a few years ago and I could certainly be converted again). I also truly considered not having a range hood because they are ugly and I hate them. They are so, so ugly. But I have since been otherwise convinced because if I'm doing open-concept I do not need my house to smell like squid steak because the only setting I know how to cook on is "high."

I don't know what any of my appliances will end up being now that Smeg is off the table. In the interim I need to find an appliance package.

-backsplash - probably white subway, hand made is likely too pricey but I'll see what my reps can do.

-cabinet colors - What if we did black lower cabinets? I need a little contrast in my life, this house is going to be a blizzard.

-faucet - I can afford nothing but I really love a modern faucet - I'm considering it. Still don't know what finish I'm using - see my dilemma below

-floor - this might need to be replaced by wood floor - but maybe tile?? I haven't decided, I was thinking maybe something a little Moroccan in a grayscale but so far everything has been more expensive than just throwing down some new floor.

I found some gorgeous pendants from Arteriors that I'm obsessed with, but I have to pick brushed brass or copper, and right now brushed brass is winning because I can find hardware that matches:

But I'm secretly covetous of these pendants:

Let's hope the Arteriors rep is super nice to my mom.

The Dining Room

What you are about to see is semi-obscene.

This is it. This is the money maker. The living room rolls directly back into this nightmare area. Now the wood paneling wouldn't be so much of an issue - it sort of reminds me of the house I grew up in - but the frankly rude and sordid effort to stain plywood to match the paneling is foul. Another short critique of light kits on fans - it looks a little like a melted hershey's kiss or a boob on a woman horizontally reclined. Why do I say these things? Why do I put this crap on the internet? I am a miserable exhibitionist who both craves and reviles attention.

I wish I had a picture of the wall we are going to tear down: a cuckoo clock evidently lived on that wall for 35 years. The stain on the paneling behind where it hung is a perfect ghost: so obvious that I immediately knew what it was.

Back to this look:

Central AC, so no more window unit, and we are taking out that fan no matter what the cost and adding a chandelier and some LEDs. I have ruminated for a long time and I have settled on the following:

My pal texted me a photo of it in a showroom somewhere and I have to have it. I might even do the "brown" version of this puff. I think it might be cute to contrast it since the walls and floors will be white.

Look at it! So cute! I can't! Full disclosure: I hate chandeliers... and this is a chandelier cheat. It is not a chandelier. But my cats are going to freak out.

GIVE IT A CEILING MEDALLION! Y'all. Y'aaalllllll.

So we're going to paint the paneling the same as ceiling and floors in the living room, just to kind of make it go away (😩 ). As previously reported, the most important change we're making is knocking out the wall that separates the dining from the living room, hopefully accomplishing some kind of glorious transition like this one:

I will be demoing most of the storage in this house because it is ghastly and because it may lead to a nightmare narnia (more on this later). This leaves me in a bit of a lurch for storing things like my purple christmas tree. So take a look at this sad space again: the cabinets that separate the kitchen from the dining have gotta go (sorry mom), but I'm thinking about a built-in along the left wall. However, in order to do that, I have to center the windows.

The windows are delightfully centered to... nothing. #blessthismess      So I'm going to tear them the hell out. I would literally rather live with a gaping hole than these slightly off-center windows. I could even almost understand it if it was necessary for the aesthetic of the exterior... but the exterior blows, guys. I would love to experience the mind of this architect, even for a moment, just to know what pure chaos feels like.

All that to say, I'm putting in french doors instead to maximize the light coming in since this is a southern-facing window and the cave of my living room needs all the help it can get.

And example of french doors! Which will be centered to the space! I daresay my back porch will never look this charming (is that a well-groomed dog?), but all the pins that show you the interior of french doors* were the visual equivalent to droopy flowers.

This revelation is going to affect the back yard space - right now there is a door to the back yard in the kitchen that's in the way of optimal cabinetry. Hopefully we can take him out and throw a window there instead. Then the backyard will need some type of patio space. 

This is a public service announcement regarding backyard choices: I HATE pergolas... what the fuck is the point of a pergola. They don't have tops so there's no shade or cover from rain. What is the point of this structure?????????? There are many people related to pergolas who must be stopped: the dumbasses who build them all over HGTV, the idiots who are thrilled to have them, people who then go out and build them (!!!), people who believe they are enjoying time in a pergola (!!!!!) WHEN IN FACT they cannot be enjoying time in a Pergola because there is no "in" a pergola. Do not suggest a pergola to me ever for any reason.

I'm hoping for some sort of screened-in porch in the back but since the front of the house has an overhang that makes the single window pretty ineffectual I feel like the french doors are meant to let some light in and I don't want to cock that up by creating another dreary porch. I maybe considered a pergola for half a moment and then realized I was possibly descending into madness.

Back to the built-in seating to the dining area - I love this built-in with a tulip table and a hyde rug. In fact this whole house is pretty gorgeous - definitely check it out.

I think if we make a cushion but leave a hinge in the top so that it opens, I'll have almost 24 square feet of storage. Screw the closets! Get rid of them all!

Dining out, fools.

*There were lots of nice pins of french doors that I could not afford. I can afford these.

The Living Room

Who doesn't need a burgundy accent wall?! The lone window? How about extremely yellowed poly coated floors? Those not doing it for you? Then I'd like to direct your attention to baseboard trim: the white line you can see between the floor and the baseboard in the second picture on the burgundy wall is a massive gap. Probably an inch (maybe more) to accommodate shag carpeting that once covered the floors. I can't speak to the decals on the walls (Where did they come from? What was the motivation?), but sadly the previous homeowner reclaimed the green drapes. A real tragedy.

I want you all to know that this room is actually the best room in the house and will require the least amount of work. I can practically hear the red flags waving in the tornado winds of this renovation project.

First things first: Central AC. Our HVAC contractor came back with great news about the central heating duct work - we are basically primed and ready to add a condenser and central AC to the whole house for not a lot of $$. The only way I can imagine that a house in Houston did not get central AC at the time of the furnace installation is the person who lived here got old before global warming made Houston the land of charming weather fluctuations (how about that week with a high of 85 and a low of 23, guys, that was fun, right?).

**Here are some cool facts you can skip if they are dull!** Right now, there are a couple of exterior changes that need to be made before work can begin (we'll be swapping some windows/doors to be detailed in later posts). The scheduling will need to be exterior door/window changes (and then masonry replacement), roof replacement (after demo of back patio area), then some insulation replacement in the attic, THEN we can add HVAC: basically the house has to have an unpleasant detox before we jumpstart its beauty regimen.

There was a lot of text there, and for that I am sorry as I know you're in it for the pics. HERE ARE PICS!

I know, same pic, but I would like to bring your attention to the fact that this room has 1 window. The red wall is not helping anything out either - it's like they watched HGTV from 1999 and decided that's all they needed to know. #Blessthismess So I'm going to Joanna Gaines this shit and tear out that back wall (it is structural so there will still be a header - a piece of wood that makes sure my house doesn't collapse while I made changes to satisfy my aesthetic preferences). I am hoping it looks something like this:

Do I have gorgeous 12 foot ceilings? No. But I do have a sad box for a living room and limited options: the living room shares a wall with one of the secondary bedrooms/hallway on one side and the garage on the other, neither of which are the arboreal paradises I hope for when looking to add some windows. The dining room is a little bit of a mess, but I think if there are windows on either end of an open-concept area the cave effect might be lessened.

To take care of that red wall and the slightly yellow white paint on the other walls & ceiling, we'll use Sherwin Williams Snowbound SW 7004. This will be the main house color. Live in a cave? Paint that shit white. Then it's a white cave. What about the ugly stained trim that sits an inch off the floor? Paint that shit white. How about the yellow floors? Well, friends, we're gonna paint that shit white, too.

Stop crying. I can't control the sideburns, can't control my mouth, can't control your lack of vision, so at the end of the day... I just don't care. Y'all it's going down. I'm painting these floors white and also making many other life choices which you cannot stop and probably won't like. It is simply my way (and will also ensure that when I knock out the wall between the dining/living the wood floor replacement will match).

Get out of my dreams and into my car.

So now that we are very fluffy and white, we need a fan for the living room and some recessed can light LEDs. I love Emerson's industrial-look fans because they have no light kits and come with a remote and a wall switch to adjust fan speed. Do you ever notice how you pull the string for the light and even though there's a 50% chance you'll get the right string you manage to pull the wrong one 100% of the time? I am too stupid for fans with light kits and require some idiot-proofing. Also light kits are hideous.

This fan has a 60" span and moves a ton of air: this will be important for another unpopular decision I will be making in the future so stay tuned!

Last reference to the "before" picture I swear. That door to the left opens to a hallway with a confusing feature for millennials called a "telephone shelf." Now I am old enough to remember the days when having my own telephone land line made me the envy of all the other elementary schoolers.

This was before I wished people would not call me for any reason. For the love of god just text me, what kind of a monster   I digress. We're taking out the telephone shelf and reframing that doorway to add some cool french doors.

This is of course the leggy 6 ft model version of the kind of doors that will fit in that doorway. I'm pretty sure the ceiling in the hallway is 6 inches shorter than the ceiling in the living room. Have not investigated that yet. It's giving me some stress. Anyway, hopefully these doors are not like my recent foray into boyfriend-fit jeans. Turns out boyfriend fit jeans look good on women who do not have the glamorous and much sought-after pear shape that I possess. The junk in my trunk makes them look like skinny jeans that got confused about halfway down. May this design choice be less disappointing.

Closing Postponed/House Numbers

Short update - closing has been postponed to January 20th so I'm thrilled to announce I am doing a lot of idea-work on a house that is not technically mine. Cool.

Speaking of ideas: see if you can spot my problem from this photo:

.... .... ....


If you guessed the rotting white flower with house numbers dangling off... you guessed right, bud.

I'm thinking they need to be a little more on the traditional side and I'll probably put them on columns once columns are installed (can we talk about how horrible these are again? They're centered to absolutely nothing). We could do a plaque, too, but I'm liking the idea of something unobtrusive. Also this flower "plaque" has burned me.

These Oil Rubbed Bronze ones from Emtek aren't too traditional but don't look like 80's future fashion either. I'm a fan. What do you think? Anything I'm missing?

There are also a couple things TBD: what kind of tile or paver or alternative surface should I put on the front porch? Maybe wood? Maybe astroturf? My grandmother had astroturf on her front porch and I honestly believe it's the solution to all problems. Many, many people have assured me it is not, but I am undeterred.

Also that really sad light fixture is depressing me. I need a new one. Anybody have any ideas?

Exterior Improvements

As you can see, this house is very, very ugly. All of the vaguely hairy looking parts on the roof are evidence that a new roof will be required, and I'm hoping new shingles will improve the look. Right now the roof line brings to mind the forehead of Ron Perlman.

I dearly hope you understand what I mean because if you don't I really can't explain it. However, deep, deep down I think if we take off her glasses and brush her hair and put her in a polyester dress she might be able to win prom queen. With the right popular boyfriend. I'm the boyfriend.

So first, new shingles. I like these from Owen's Corning: they have a sort of cottage feel and will give it some contrast drama. Brown shingles are so 1970.

They're the "Berkshire Colonial" shingles. Have not had them bid out, I am hoping they just pay ME for them. That's the kind of budget we're working with.

Then we're going to paint it white! Not too white. She's definitely not a virgin: I feel some really sordid orgies have probably happened here since it was built in 1960. It's the bathroom tile that I think screams that for me - more about that on another post. Get excited. I picked Sherwin Williams Alabaster because a) my painter probably won't charge me extra for Sherwin Williams and b) It's sort of a taupy grey white. Everybody got that? Did I just blow your mind and invent a color? Guys, I don't know why I like it, I just do. If you have better suggestions, definitely leave them in the comments. I will happily ignore them at my leisure. This color is for everything. For the terrifying brown trim, for the stressful brown garage door - all of it. Get rid of the orange and brown.

Actually, speaking of garage doors:

I am hoping for a new one. This is honestly a splurge that I can't justify: the garage door it has will probably look fine with a coat of paint. But this one has cute prairie windows... I'm going to have to call my girl Iris to see if any have fallen off the back of a truck recently.

But what about the ugly iron curly weird columns? I am glad someone pointed them out. I am considering something akin to this:

They'll need to be water sealed and probably stained a tolerable color unless we make them out of an attractive wood (and attractive typically equals expensive). So I picked a Sherwin Williams exterior stain (SW 3540 Mountain Ash). I promise I don't work for Sherwin Williams? I think they might owe me back-pay after this blog post.

I also nearly forgot the porch ceiling which will get a little V groove or beadboard and some Haint-resistant blue like Sherwin Williams SW 6505 Atmospheric:

I am still quite torn on the front door. On the one hand, it's hidden inside the front porch and you don't really see it, so something like this would match the new garage door:

It's called a 9-lite marginal (as in it has 9 rectangles and the muntins look like page margins) and echoes the cute baby prairie detail I love on the garage. I'd paint it white and call it a day - a color would be kind of wasted because, duh, all you'd be looking at would be my naked butt and sideburns. There goes the neighborhood. The living room is also a dark cave (with red walls! stay tuned for more of this fiasco!) so having some windows on the front door might help. It also faces North and will never really see any sunlight, so... maybe not.

Then the rogue in me wants to do a solid door in a COLOR! Like these!

I guess I need to defer to the expertise of someone else. Then again... we could always just paint it all pink? I'm pretty tempted by this precious house. Technically I don't have an HOA...

I haven't decided on landscaping yet. Honestly I'm just going to pull off the sad bushes first and then I'll see where I'm at. Hopefully it will look like this:

Instead of this:

The end (of the front). Phew.

PS: Mom wants a car port? The best I could do was something like this that matched the columns on the front - probably stained the same color... What do you think?

The instructions on how to build a car port like this are absolutely in French. Super easy language to master while also trying to build something structurally sound that perches over my new car, right? Cool. Super glad I watch enough HGTV to feel this empowered. Curse you Joanna Gaines!